Weekend of Suck
So. All my peers had quite the weekend. They’re all back from the Chicago Comic Con and Hypericon and that party at Drew Williams’ house. They’re blogging their savage tales of adventure and debauchery and good times.
“Oh, you should have been there, Brian. Too bad you and Jesus had that signing on Saturday.”
Yep, too-fucking-bad.
There are two things that I take great pride in regarding this business.
1) I take care of my readers.
2) I take care of my booksellers.
Seriously, we’re in this war together (and believe me, brothers and sisters, it is indeed a war). You support me. I support you. Thus has it always been. Thus shall it always be. Amen.
I’m this weird hybrid-mix of socialism and libertarianism. But if there’s one thing I’m a big fan of, it’s capitalism—particularly capitalism that puts money in my pockets. Be it an illicit batch of moonshine or my latest horror novel, I get behind my product. I like it to do well, because when it does well, then I do well. So do the booksellers who sell it.
I could have gone to Chicago or Nashville or Fuquay-Varina this weekend, but I didn’t. Instead, I decided to help a bookseller make some money—and thus, make myself some money and make a group of my readers happy. In fact, I could have also visited an old Navy buddy whom I haven’t seen in almost twenty years, but again, I decided to forgo that in lieu of this signing.
The manager of the Borders on Lancaster’s Park Drive contacted Jesus and I several months ago, and asked us to come sign books. We happily agreed. We provided her with a list of the books we’d like to sign, including title, ISBN, publisher, and price-point. I also said, “Local readers already have City of the Dead and Ghoul and Terminal and the rest of the backlist. We probably won’t sell many of those. Instead, make sure you have plenty of copies of Dark Hollow, Kill Whitey, and The Rising: Selected Scenes From the End of the World on hand. Those are what people will be looking for.” She confirmed that indeed, she would do this.
So when I showed up half-an-hour early on Saturday, you can imagine my surprise when I saw a tiny little table up front with exactly one copy of Dark Hollow, four copies of Ghoul and six copies of The New Fear. That was it. Jesus had even less books—one copy of Clickers, one copy of Survivor, one copy of Bully, and four copies of The Beloved.
“Okay,” I said. “They just haven’t put the rest of the books out yet.”
I walked around the store, looking for the manager so I could check in. Before I found the manager, the crew from Reel Splatter found me instead. They’d shown up to get copies of The Rising: Selected Scenes From the End of the World. The first thing Mike Lombardo asked me was, “Dude, where the hell are your books?”
We checked the horror section, and I found one copy of The Rising, one copy of Dead Sea, and one copy of The Conqueror Worms. I took those up to the table.
Then I noticed a second, even smaller table. The name on it was Jacquelyn Sylvan. They’d hidden her across from Jesus and I, near the magazine section. They had six copies of her books. Now I was convinced that they must have more books in the back. Jacquelyn writes romance novels, and you can easily sell those to walk-though traffic. It was impossible that the store would only have six of them on hand.
Eventually, I found some employees. I introduced myself and told them I was there for the signing. Turns out they didn’t know about the signing, despite the fact that they had posters up in the store advertising it, and a table up front with our names on it and a few books. They then told me to wait up at the table and “they” would be along shortly. I assumed that “they” meant the manager, so I did as I was told. I sat down at the table. The employees then asked me what I was doing.
I said, “You told me to wait here.”
They said, “Yes, but that’s where the author will sit. You have to stand in line.”
“I am the author.”
They blinked at me. “What was your name again?”
“Do I look like a Jacquelyn? Do I look like my last name is Gonzalez?”
“Who are they, again?”
It was at this point that I seriously considered buying the few meager copies of my books that they had in stock, declaring a sell-out, and just blowing off the whole fucking thing. But I couldn’t do that to Jesus, and I couldn’t do it to my fans.
Jacquelyn arrived, quickly sold her few copies, and hightailed it out of there. She stopped by to say hi on her way out. Nice girl. If you dig romance, check her out HERE.
Jesus showed up, and he was less-than-pleased when he saw the books on the table.
“Where are the rest of them?”
“This is all they have.”
“Are you sure?”
I told him I would check again. I found another employee and said, quote: “Hi. My name is Brian Keene. I was supposed to sign books here today, along with JF Gonzalez. Do you know if you have any more of our books in the back room?”
She blinked at me and then said, “They are probably on the shelf. Did you look on the shelf?”
“Yes, and I only found three. None of them were the new books.”
“I can check. What was the name?”
“Keene and Gonzalez.”
She typed—and I am not making this up—’Keene Gonzalez’ into the computer. First name: Keene. Last name: Gonzalez. Then she said, “We don’t have any authors named Keene Gonzalez.”
I tried very hard not to shout at her. “Try Brian Keene and JF Gonzalez.”
She did. The computer told her that they had twenty-one copies of Dead Sea and twenty-two copies of Shapeshifter in the store. I asked her if she could go get them out of the back room.
“Oh, they aren’t back there. We must have sold them all yesterday. It takes the computer a day to catch up.”
I returned to the table, broken and defeated and in an ugly and savage mood, seriously contemplating giving the crowd of fans hanging out at the table permission to run riot throughout the store.
So, my apologies to the folks who drove all the way from Virginia, and the nice couple from Keene, New Hampshire, and Gorebeast who made the trek from Delaware, and all of the Reel Splatter crew, and Hempy, and Monrozombie, and Nathan, and John, and Bob, and Qweequeg, and everyone else who showed up at the bookstore on Saturday with the actual expectation of being able to purchase books (which was not an unreasonable expectation—bookstores should indeed sell books). I apologize for the inept, ignorant, and totally rude staff, and I whole-heartedly encourage you to run riot inside that store should you ever have the misfortune to set foot inside it again.
After you’ve run riot inside the Lancaster Borders, head across the river to the Borders in York or the Borders Express in Camp Hill, where they have actual Brian Keene sections, and have copies of the new books on the shelf, and have copies of all of Jesus’ books, too. Give them your money and support, because they support me and you.
And before someone suggests it, no, I am not disparaging Borders as a whole. Some of my best friends manage Borders stores. I sign at more Borders stores each year than I do any other. I worked at a Borders for a summer (when it was still a Waldenbooks). And I have never, ever done a three hour signing where I’ve sold less than thirty copies. Usually it is quite more. The store makes money. I make money. The fans are happy. When it works, it works well. I could have done that on Saturday, if I’d had the books to sell.
You couldn’t pay me to sign there again.
But never mind that, eh? We still had fun. I got to meet many of you and catch up with those of you who I’ve met before, and after the signing, Bob Strauss, proofreader to the stars, took me, Jesus and Big Joe out to dinner, which was nice.
So, how was your weekend? Holla.
PS: A member of the F.U.K.U. sounds off about it HERE.
PPS: Jesus will Blog about this at some point today, too. Check it out HERE.
June 30th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Wow…just wow….
As I told you Brian, I ordered Kill Whitey several weeks ago from my local Borders, and supposedly the ordering manager is having a hard time obtaining a copy from C.D. Finally I threw my hands up and have ordered it straight from the publisher. At my local Borders, all I’ve seen is CotD, and Dark Hollow. As far as Gonzalez, I think I ordered the one and only copy they carried of Ravenous.
I’m sorry to hear about how you guys were treated, but I’m happy to hear that the two of you at least had a good time.
horrorfan425
June 30th, 2008 at 9:31 am
I’m sorry for my mistake. As soon as I posted that comment, I realized I mixed up my authors. What I meant to say is that the only Gonzalez book I could get my hands on was Survivor. *Sigh* gotta love Monday mornings!
June 30th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Keene Gonzalez. That’s funny.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:13 am
I work for Borders (not that one!) and that seems very a-typical of how any author is treated. We go out of our way to ensure we have stock and spread the word to all the booksellers about an event. Plus, idiots don’t generally get hired at Borders or last long if they do sneak by the screening processes. Of course, I’m biased because the store at which I work has a great staff both above and below me. Have you contacted any one about this? It’s truly inexcusable.
I’m sorry about the experience you and my fellow readers had. But thanks for defending Borders in general. And I am completely with you that we’re all fighting this war together. Most of the authors we have are great, friendly people and so are most of our customers, and without writers, readers, and booksellers, we would be lost in a sea of illiteracy and boredom. Plus, I NEED to keep my job.! It’s the best I’ve ever had, except for motherhood.
Sorry this is a bit of a rant, but your Musing hit really close to home.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Damn, chief. That absolutely blows. Bad enough to get the shitface treatment by such an asshat staff (how can you have the privelage of working at a book store and be completely numb to the names of ANY genres’ big names?!), but to have salt in the wounds of missing the Cons. If I can ever gather the courage to attempt a near-New England drive again (drivers got less sense than a jack-knifing mongoose on the road) I’m all over one of your signings.
Like you said, the big thing was catching up with alot of the fans, although I realize how little that does in the short run for books that are not even friggin’ available at the place lol Damn, that was harsh. I just can’t fathom a book store knowing a signing is coming, and with a pre-talk of what you think would sell best, no less, and STILL being near empty. Long run, you probably had alot of fans that went right home and ordered your books via internet or hit the other bookstores that same day. Glass half-full, and all that jazz.
My weekend consisted of a war with mice that have decided to attempt to take shelter inside the kitchen cupboards, shittin on my silverware. Shot the kitchen window out during a Saturday night stake-out strategy with a BB gun. Broke my little toe kicking the table barefoot after I dropped $50 of meat into a mud puddle attempting to flee the apparent Hurricane rain as I tried to cook out. Stepped out of bed Sunday morning and into a freshly rotten snake carcass that my dog thought I would just love as a present. But my mini-vacation and birthday are this week, so the weekend is already completely forgiven!
Hope your week goes better than your weekend did!
–Jason
June 30th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Sanomara: I think that’s what made it so disheartening for me — it wasn’t the typical Borders signing. One reason why I prefer to sign at Borders is because it’s usually a team effort, and the booksellers are just as enthusiastic as the author. Sadly, that wasn’t the case this time…
June 30th, 2008 at 11:44 am
I have heard other authors complain about signings at different stores. It’s crazy that some stores are unprepared when they should have known about signings. I’m glad most Borders you’ve worked with didn’t have this problem.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I’m emailing my DM a link to your site. Someone needs some comeuppance for this fiasco.
Thanks for not letting this reflect on Borders as a whole. We need good PR at this point, not bad.
June 30th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
WHAM-O!
June 30th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
That definitely sucks. I can’t imagine why a store would bother holding a book signing, and not have a decent supply of books in stock. Makes no sense.
Regardless, thankfully that was one of many signings that went awry. Here’s hoping the next one is better (and in NJ, for that matter!).
June 30th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
My weekend was amazing! Joe Lansdale and his lovely daughter were very friendly good people. Joe did a 35 minute reading of a VERY funny story that will be iincluded in a future anthology. Alex McVey and Steven Gilberts did a painting demonstration that was great. The Friday night readings by Debrah LeBlanc, Fran Friel, Ron Kelly, James Newman and Shrews was excelent. Had the chance to meet up with many old friends as well as friends that I knew from online but met in person for the first time as well as making some new friends. Also was pleasently suprised to have Bryan Smith give me a call Sunday morning telling me he and Rachel made it back in town from their trip so Mark Hickerson, Fran Friel and I met up with Bryan and Rachel for a few beers and lunch at The Roadhouse Steak House.
June 30th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Despite the lack of Keene titles available for sale, I still had a great time. It was my first time meeting Brian and Jesus so that alone was worth the trip. Not to mention meeting Mike Lombardo and some of the other Reel Splatter guys. Hopefully this Border’s fiasco will be an EXTREME rare occurance. Thanks must go to you Brian, and Jesus, for sticking it out for us. The Border’s I frequent in DE would probably treat you much more respectfully (hint hint).
June 30th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Yeah it was damn ridiculous! It was still fun to hear you and Jesus grumble about how fucked up the signing was. COunt Suckula, MAtt and Lynsey are just going to order The Rising Selected Scenes off the internet, and probably never shop at that Borders again.
Attention everyone: Listen to Brian and go to the York Borders! It’s a wonderful store with shitloads of books and dvds! They stock more obscure horror books and movies then all the dvd and bookstores in Park City Mall combined! It’s worth the drive!
June 30th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I used to work at a huge chain bookstore–not Borders, I won’t name names–and I became very disheartened working there because it became obvious very early on that the store did not care about authors that weren’t on the top ten best seller’s list. If a smaller author came to do a signing, he or she was shoved into a corner and no extra copies of their books were ordered for the signing; many of those writers were often mistaken for an information desk. The store was just waiting for its annual Nicolas Sparks signing when they really made a huge deal out of it. The store also didn’t stock many obscure writers, as large as the store was, but had two bookscases full of Danielle Steel. The smaller, independent bookstore in town is the one that stocked all the good stuff, but it was driven out of business by the store at which I worked. And I can tell you firsthand, the managers took great pleasure in driving it out of buisness. The experience made me hate bookstores.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Totally sucks bro, but at least you know we always treat you right on the Western side of the state.
And, I’ve got copies of KW all over the joint. . .
June 30th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I also wanted to say that Brian Keene is a terrific role model for us writers out there. Not only is his work ethic amazing, but he has a real respect for his fans. Yes, he wants to make money, and he knows that keeping us happy makes him money, but the fact is he does want to keep us happy and please us with his work. Other writers should look to him for a blueprint of how to handle this business.
June 30th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Hey Brian!
Despite the overall suckiness of that particular Borders event, I was so very happy to have the opportunity to meet both you and Jesus. I also enjoyed listening in on the surrounding conversations, and especially the Reel Splatter Crew (including my personal photographer Mr. Hannah Montana!) I only wish I had gotten there earlier to hang out longer, rather than coming in on the tailend of the event. It’s a shame you had to miss the ‘Cons for that, but your fans appreciate the sacrifice. Thanks for not ditching us.
Oh, and I stopped by the York Borders on my way home & indeed they had a whole endcap packed with Kill Whiteys in the Horror section.
June 30th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Yeah, would have been nice to have a nice big table all together. I didn’t even realize you guys were there either, until I saw your big entourage! As I said to Jesus, we’ll have to arrange another event, with a nice bull session after.
Oh, and Surviving Serendipity is YA Fantasy. No big…you were probably misinformed by the uber-knowledgable staff (who didn’t stop by my table once!)
June 30th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
“Oh, and Surviving Serendipity is YA Fantasy. No big…you were probably misinformed by the uber-knowledgable staff (who didn’t stop by my table once!)”
Oddly enough, that is exactly what happened. It was their rather tepid announcement over the PA system, in which they said you were signing a romance novel.
Now, I’m doubly pissed I didn’t get one. :>)
And yeah, I’ll be in touch. Like I told you at the signing, I’ve give a list of author-friendly stores in the region that will be happy to have you come in.
June 30th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
The fact that the manager called you guys to set this up is the icing on the cake. How the hell they made it into a managerial position with those organizational skills is a mystery.
All I have to say is, Brian, you are one class act. Sure, you want to sell your books, but the fact that you stayed and weathered the storm is pretty impressive. You ARE all about the fans, and it’s what the fans love about you. We look forward to more books, signings and blogs for many years to come!
June 30th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Qweequeg, it was a pleasure meeting you and being your photographer! I almost forgot about the Hannah Montana thing! Too hilarious!
And Gorebeast it was awesome talking flicks and Laymon with you!
June 30th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
sorry to hear about your rotten experience. however, i did find your blog about it highly amusing. it’s very refreshing to hear and read about an author who is in touch with his fan base. hopefully when you have made millions from the books, millions from the movie deals and millions from speaking engagements you will remember us little guys.
rock on, dude.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Jesus saves…..
June 30th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Mike,
You just totally made me laugh out loud! Both your post, and your new posting name! Too fun. I’m so glad to have found all these cool people in my new neighborhood.
I did not realise you were THE Mike Lombardo. Nice to meet/have met you! Like I said in my previous post, I wish I’d come around earlier and hung out with you guys.
Susan (aka qweequeg)
July 1st, 2008 at 7:18 am
Seriously, that was great man.
Not all booksellers are retarded, although…
July 1st, 2008 at 8:33 am
I hate boarders just for that reason ! I can’t find keene books!! Horror Mall treated me real nice for Kill Whitey, i suggest go with them. Brian please let us know when we can hold that riot………
July 1st, 2008 at 10:51 pm
“I did not realise you were THE Mike Lombardo”
Ha, neither did I!
July 1st, 2008 at 11:17 pm
God, I miss the independent bookseller.
Customers are to blame. Once there were thousands of independent bookstores across the nation. Big box stores received larger discounts from publishers, discounted the books to the customers who abandoned the independents who had to go OOB. Now the big box stores lower and eradicate discounts so the customers are leaving them as well for Amazon, Wal-Mart. etc., due to the need to save a dollar over choice and customer service.
I worked 20 years in my own bookstore and quit due to being abandoned by these great customers because my books were 50c more expensive than Barnes and Noble’s.
We as independents used to drive mid-list writers into success, drive unknown titles and writers onto bestseller lists, and introduce readers to authors that we liked because WE READ THEM not because the author’s publishers paid us 50 to 75 thousand dollars to SAY we liked them.
Bye bye independents, mid-list authors, bestseller lists that actually reflect what readers buy and not what the big-box stores buy, and the joy of discovering a new writer without being manipulated or suckered into the title due to its placement in the store, number of copies stacked around, or deep discounting that proves the book MUST be good or it wouldn’t be so CHEAP!
Stupid book business. It’s the only business that discounts the stuff that’s going to sell regardless and asks regular price for product that it unknown and unproven.
Stupid book business.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
At least Jesus knows what to name any future children…
July 4th, 2008 at 6:20 am
I really miss the independent store that was near me. I affectionately called it “The Disorganized Bookstore” because there was no rhyme or reason to how things were set out. I remember the New Releases section used to have no organization, just completely random, and then they decided to make it alphabetical by title. Yes, by title, not author. Despite all that, I loved the store, it carried a much more varied and interesting selection of books than the B&N that eventually drove it out of business. I can remember going there for so many books that weren’t on the B&N shelves. People said, “Well, B&N can order it for you,” but I’d rather pay a bit more to support the store that stocks things other than James Patterson.
July 5th, 2008 at 1:27 am
Dear Brian:
On the cusp of my verrrry small press novel debut(probably critically drummed or entirely ignored; cover blurb by Keen Gonzalez, sorry, couldn’t resist, J.F. Gonzalez) and virgin signing(which, I am sure, will be attended by just family & friends), this was absolutely priceless. Jesus’ rendition of this led me here, and I humbly suggest that you consider swithcing to writing humor. I haven’t laughed aloud in ages, and with George Carlin gone, someone needs to fill the void.
July 5th, 2008 at 1:29 am
?
July 5th, 2008 at 1:30 am
I meant ‘nothing’, not a website name.
July 5th, 2008 at 3:10 am
B:
First off, thanks for this essay a sobering look at what it takes. Who Knew?
During my search to find Rising: Selected, I started by calling all of the Austin, TX area bookstores. The first store I called on the list (a B&N) answered with a cheerful voice who first told me that they didn’t carry anyone named Keene. I asked how she had spelled the name and after a correction she told me that the computer said she had 2 copies in the store. I was excited & asked again if it was the Selected scenes & she told me yes. I told her that you had another title called The Rising & she said nope. She held it for me so I drove over to pick it up, (50 min drive) When i got there it was of course just The Rising.
Frustrated with B&N I tried to ordered it from the local Austin Borders. When I went in to find it they have the “Self help” computer & for some strange reason it wasn’t listed as being avail thru them. I went to the Cust service desk, asked for them to look it up by the ISBN & he said that he could order it no problem. Once again I asked if it was the old or new book and once again he assured me that it was the new selected scenes. 5 days later i get the call that it’s in and hurry over to pick it up. When i arrived there was a fresh new copy of The Rising. I asked how it could have been mixed up as i gave them the ISBN of the new book? A mgmr who mumbled to himself while he was on hold with the dist center finally told me that it was just a mix up.
The book was reordered and I’m once again waiting…
July 5th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
That sounded horrible. Shit. I walked out of the Wilkes-Barre Barnes & Noble with at least ten of your books autographed to give out to friends. I would have been pissed to see a handful there. I am amazed at the lack of attention given to the three of you. That’s just a lack of professionalism that starts at the top. Too bad.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:58 am
It was great to finally meet you, Brian, and Big Joe as well. Fortunately, we got there early (2:40), thinking the session was 3-5. Next trip up, we’ll definitely get to the York Borders. We just got home this week (why I hadn’t responded sooner) and I did find 2 new single malts up in Ithaca (Northside Wine and Spirits, which is, oddly, on the SOUTH side of Ithaca).
Sorry about your plumbing woes, which happened to a neighbor of ours a few years ago.