One Last Poke

If you’ve been following the fun and games in the comments section of this entry, then perhaps you were tempted to click on our favorite nitwit’s name, and to peruse his Blog. And if you did, then perhaps you’ll be understanding and forgive me if I deliver one final poke before we get back to business as usual around here.

The following originally appeared in Running With the Devil.

MORE LETTERS FROM HELL

A note to new readers. Letters From Hell is an occasional feature here at Hail Saten, showcasing actual letters that I receive. Some are funny, some are thought provoking, and some are from spammers or crazy people. The series of letters you are about to read fall into the latter category. However, these were actually sent to Shane Ryan Staley, the head of Delirium Books. I offer them as a public service to anybody out there considering starting a small press publishing business—this is an example of how you will spend your day.

I also offer it as further evidence that yes, once you reach a certain point in your career, the unstable seem to focus on you. The grammar and spelling are exactly as he wrote them.

From: “Nickolaus Pacione”
To: Delirium Books
Subject: filing a complaint with your client

Greetings Shane,

I wish this email was done under better circumstances but your client Brian Keene e-pirated two of my anthologies, when he saying he got two review copies when I didn’t send him the copies. He says they were “review” copies but the case being someone bought an e-copy of the book and then mailed it to him when they were done so he did pirate the anthology because he got it free. He impersoated me with the handle on Xanga and hollered at my grandmother for fuck’s sake. Are you going to sit on your hands about this shit? The anthology authors don’t even have e-copies of the book yet so that came to conclusion that one of his friends bought the e-copy and mailed it to him. These statements are true and I will back them up in court if I have to. They were unauthorized so I want to know what you can do to give him some kind of repremand. He’s been harassing my family as well so if there is some thing you can do as a consequence for his actions as in holding him accountable. Keene been doing this kind of thing for almost a year now by claiming he got pirated copies, the second of the two of them is a charity anthology. I am also letting the other publishers know what is going on as well so if you want to know what he’s doing he actually created his blog to slander me and steal my books. HE PIRATED NOT ONLY THE ANTHOLOGIES but my novella too.

From: Shane Ryan Staley, Editor-in-Chief
To: Brian Keene, Author
RE: E-mail from Nickolaus Pacione and forthcoming reprimands
CC: Nickolaus Pacione

Delirium Books Internal Memorandum

To Brian Keene:

I received a very disturbing letter tonight from an author named Nickolaus Pacione (see letter below). I found his allegations very troubling, as pertaining to your deviant actions of e-piracy and slander among other things. After reviewing these allegations, though presented with absolutely no proof or evidence, I’ve come to the conclusion that actions must be taken against you and that a reprimand shall be forthcoming from my office.

Although I’ve never heard of Mr. Pacione prior to this letter, I’ve taken on the assumption that 1) he’s of a rational state of mind and 2) Jackalopes really do exist. Therefore, I must nip this thing in the butt and administer a suitable punishment.

I’ve thought about this long and hard, and am sorry to say that I must take action with this sort of behavior just to protect my good name and Delirium Books.

So…as a punishment, you will do this:

1) Say 3 Hail Fucking Mary’s
2) Get a good night’s sleep
3) Listen to Stern on Sirius Satellite Radio

Tomorrow, I’m sending over 4 Swedish Blonde strippers in high heels and thongs who will administer a severe beating on you. Also, I have decided to dock your pay. This year, you will receive 1 cent less than you normally would have through advances and royalties. (Of course, I usually round up to the next dollar anyway, but it’s the principle that counts here.)

Sorry for the stiff punishments, but I can’t let our friendship get in the way of me being your publisher and having to punish you. From now on, I will be known not as your “publisher”, but as your “punishibler”.

Hopefully you’ll understand this is strictly a business decision on my part that I had to make for the better good of myself, you and the genre we are working in.

Any questions or concerns you may have, please feel free to call or e-mail me. You will have 30 days to appeal this punishment and the reduction of your pay by 1 cent, if you choose to do so.

Take Care.

Shane Ryan Staley
Editor-in-Chief
Delirium Books
http://www.deliriumbooks.com

From: “Nickolaus Pacione”
To: “Delirium Books”
Subject: in other words

You’re going to sit on your hands about this. You’re willing to harbor a fucking e-pirate. I guess I will see the both of you in court! Don’t take this too lightly because he’s exploiting my books. I am known enough once you go around the net—enough to make Keene’s life a living hell because he messed with my family. I guess I will put that email you sent to Keene in evidence as well; you want to think of me as a joke—well fuck you.

From: “Nickolaus Pacione”
To: “Delirium Books”
Subject: Re: More on that one…

You know what — I will see both your assholes in court!

From: Shane Ryan Staley, Editor-in-Chief
To: Nickolaus Pacione
CC: Brian Keene

Dear Nick,

Nice to know you’re looking forward to seeing my asshole. You know struggling with these desires can be dealt with on a far more civilized manner That’s a lot of money just to see some asshole. There’s porn sites for that, you know, and they cost far less than lawyers do.

As for Keene being an E-pirate… that explains his E-eye-patch and the E-parrot that often sits on his right shoulder. So if we go to court, I will testify that he does have an E-parrot on his shoulder from time to time. So, in this case, I’ll be your star witness and only supporting evidence you will have. This way, maybe you won’t be laughed out of court.

Now, I’m off to block your e-mails. This has been fun, but all things must come to an end. I have a business to run and it doesn’t involve counseling troubled minds.

Best of luck with your future endeavors and I hope everything balances out for you, especially the chemicals in your brain.