An Oldie, But A Goodie

A while back, my faithful man-servant and bodyguard, Big Joe, made a simple request of me. “Stop poking the crazies with a stick.” I agreed, because he was right.

But sometimes, it’s just too hard to resist.

Of all the assorted nuts that make up the Legion of Nitwits, I always had a special fondness for Nickolaus Pacione. Unlike his comrades, Pacione was actually bugfuck crazy (whereas his compatriots are merely attention-starved whores desperate for some kind of validation that their lives and their writings have meaning).

If you’re relatively new to my work or this site, then you probably don’t know much about Nickolaus Pacione. Suffice to say, there’s way too much to go into here. Among his greatest hits are: threatening to kidnap the child of a rival author, threatening to murder and burn down the houses of several other authors, editing a long-line of self-published anthologies called Tabloid Purposes (in which most of the contributors have never been paid), sending extortion letters via PayPal, etc.

Despite his antics, the local police refuse to deal with him, and his guardians blatantly allow his behavior to continue. Some folks have dealt with him in their own way. Several authors took out cease and desist orders against him. (Many of whom chose not to make their dealings with him public).

Anyway, it’s been a long time since I’ve bothered to check in on wonder boy. IceRocket alerted me the other day that my name had popped up on his Blog. As usual, it was in a negative light. And since it’s Friday, and there’s no new chapter of Deluge until next week, I thought I’d reprint what is, inarguably, one of the most popular Hail Saten entries ever.

Several years ago, I disappeared from the public eye for a few months. What folks didn’t know was that I was still around, but had reinvented myself as ‘Adam Senft’ (the character from Dark Hollow and Ghost Walk, which at the time, had yet to be published). Adam was an experiment. I wanted to see what things were like for new authors without the benefit of their name or a long bibliography behind them.

During my time as Adam, I was befriended by Pacione. For some reason, he sensed a kindred spirit (or just another victim) in Adam. They corresponded via email, and here is what happened.

(Note: The entire Adam Senft saga is recounted in The New Fear, in case you want to read it).

Originally published in 2005…

LETTERS FROM HELL

(Special Adam Senft Edition)

Here is some email correspondence between ‘Adam Senft’ and Nickolaus Pacione. Keep in mind that I was corresponding as ‘Adam’. ‘Brian Keene’s’ comments are in bold italics.

And yes, these are real emails. I haven’t changed a word. Spelling and grammar are correct throughout (in his own little world view).

From: NICKOLAUS PACIONE

To: Adam Senft

Subject: Fellow Writer

I’m Nickolaus Pacione. I am one here on MySpace. My books can be all purchase on lulu.com—I can’t stand Brian Keene (he’s an asshole.) Someone kept coming on as my titles and characters, and that is something Keene would do just to be an asshole. I do all the photography for the short story collections myself, had some help with the front cover with one book then I designed the overall layout myself on them. Quakes and Storms I designed myself.

Is this how he introduces himself to everybody? “Hi, I’m Nickolaus Pacione and I hate Brian Keene. Buy my books!” Adam, of course, responded politely.

From: Adam Senft

To: NICKOLAUS PACIONE

Subject: RE Fellow Writer

Hey man,

Nice to see another author.

I’ll have to track down one of your books. My first one, Heart of the Matter, comes out next year. I’m excited. I’m going to post my first cover to my blog in just a couple of minutes.

I’ve only met Brian Keene once—he and Michael Laimo were doing a signing together near my home. Keene seemed pretty nice there. Shame he did that to you. Why would he do such a thing?

Take care.

From: NICKOLAUS PACIONE

To: Adam Senft
Subject: RE RE Fellow Writer

If you can get along with my line ups on the magazines or the anthologies, we’ll get along fine. Laimo and I are cool—in fact he got connected up with because of one of my anthologies. My goal with TABLOID PURPOSES II is to get some of the authors connected to Arkham House. Keene fucked over a signing I was supposed to have in my own town. I am published with Shrewsbury and Vinson on Reality Check, in fact that was my first as a print author then Collectives and the first TABLOID PURPOSES were released staggered within a span of a month. TABLOID PURPOSES II came out less than 10 months after the first. My background as a horror writer is in the Cthulhu Mythos. I don’t write zombie horror, and the story Keene hated the worst of mine is INSECT which was about winter immune insects. Some of his fans will say there is no room for someone like me in the industry so I did TABLOID PURPOSES I and II to spite Keene. I take no quams in saying I hate Keene’s guts and I don’t like Ray Garton either I think he’s a big prick too. Constantly discredits me. Joe Nassise. I am that author Horror-web and Delirium doesn’t want you owning either way. As much as the industry hates my guts I got a lot of readers no matter what. Malenky wants to make sure I steal a Stoker for one of my projects. I am a self-publisher because I want the full freedom to design my books. I will be in Tales of the Talisman, and the editor of that mag appears in my magazine. I publish a lot of Horror and Science Fiction authors. I get bashed for writing stories that are not going with the trends as in I refuse to write with erotic content and refuse to publish erotica. I am doing an anthology of writers who were 1994 high school grads. I appeared with some of the most talented in the small press as in recently will be appearing in a book called Poets Against Suicide. TABLOID PURPOSES was born to buy a friend some time with his anthology. I vowed to write the old style too as a writer, and doing Science Fiction too. I got my first sale as a Science Fiction author on horrormasters.com. Download Lake Fossil II there if you want a glimpse of this one.

My God, the horror… He rattles off names and projects like a grocery list, all in that erratic, rapid-fire delivery. Keep in mind, Adam is brand new to the genre. Does Pacione really think Adam has a clue what he’s rambling about here? It’s like watching a ferret on crystal meth. Most rational people would have run away at this point, but Adam forged ahead. Pacione is obviously a reader and Adam wants to attract more readers.

From: Adam Senft

To: NICKOLAUS PACIONE
Subject: RE RE RE Fellow Writer

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles with various people. I must confess, I don’t know all of the names you mentioned. You seem to be friends with Barb Malenky, if I’m reading that correctly? Yet you dislike Delirium Books. Didn’t Barb Malenky publish a book with Delirium a few years back? If so, why would they be out to get you too? Seems like a publisher would have more important things to do.

Just trying to understand who is who in this business. I appreciate you showing me. I had no idea the genre was so clandestine.

Take care.

From: NICKOLAUS PACIONE

To: Adam Senft
Subject: RE RE RE RE Fellow Writer

Back in 2000 she did she’s now one of the key authors on TABLOID PURPOSES II. I told editor of Delirum where to get off at. I told him to go fuck himself. He is one. Malenky and I became fast friends when she contributed two stories to the second TP. I published quite a few authors from Iuniverse and PA on the anthologies. I give them the first pickes. I made a joke about Poppy Z. Brite during the hurricane and some would want to burn my books for it. David Niall Wilson is another one who I hate.

From: Adam Senft

To: NICKOLAUS PACIONE
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE Fellow Writer

Hi Nicky,

I’m afraid that I am very confused. I just try to get along with everyone. Meanwhile, I intend to download Lake Fossil II—however, should I read the first one before this one, or does it stand alone on its own?

Love,

Adam

From: NICKOLAUS PACIONE

To: Adam Senft
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE Fellow Writer

It helps to read the first one. You can find that one on fictionPress.com. LAKE FOSSIL is my first attempt at writing Science Fiction. I call it my first crossover into Scienece Fiction, from there I went on to write Lake Fossil II a year later. That was my first professional sale then I re-issued it as part of the magazine I run. LAKE FOSSIL PRESS was born out of that one, LAKE FOSSIL II, is a bit eerier than the first one and from there I went to write Norwood’s Discovery. That one isn’t online for free. I am working on a Sci-Fi story darker than anything I did Science Fiction wise. Nicholas Mounts saw this one before anyone else did and working on a story that is longer than Halloween On Camera and my first as a co-author. Are you fag?

Take note of that last sentence. Comedy fucking gold, children.

From: Adam Senft

To: NICKOLAUS PACIONE
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Fellow Writer

Cool. I’ll get them both today. I can’t wait to read them. And no, I am not a bundle of sticks, if that’s what you were asking at the end of your last email.

I noticed on your message board that you were looking for places to sign. Do you have trouble getting into bookstores?

From: NICKOLAUS PACIONE

To: Adam Senft
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Fellow Writer

I am actually looking to nail some heavy metal nightclub gigs. I am looking to set up something a few of my friends who play in metal bands. They are one. My books are not carried in bookstores, so if you want me to do the signing you must have the book way ahead of time because I have to pay for my own copies.

At this point, even a newbie like Adam Senft would realize that perhaps this was a mistake. So he decided to change tactics.

From: Adam Senft

To: NICKOLAUS PACIONE
Subject: Lake Fossil

Hi Nicky,

I just read Lake Fossil. I really dig cryptozoological fiction, and this was an example of such. Is there really a lake monster in Illinois? Is this based on an actual legend or is this direct from your imagination?

From: NICKOLAUS PACIONE

To: Adam Senft
Subject: RE Lake Fossil

This is from my imagination. I always wanted to play around with the idea of something like that for a long time. The cryptozoological style of fiction for me comes from reading some of the nonfiction actually contributed to TABLOID PURPOSES I. Victoria Taylor Murray wrote a nonfiction story for the first anthology. Lake Fossil came to be about the time when I wrote House of Spiders. LAKE FOSSIL for me was one that really brought in a style called Creature Literary. you were on Keen’s board. I saw you there. Brian Keene hates my guts, and you might see why — a lot of jealousy on his part. Do you know one of Mary SanGiovanni or Karen Taylor? She is one that would burn my books.

From: Adam Senft

To: NICKOLAUS PACIONE
Subject: RE RE Lake Fossil

Yes, I’ve been exploring many message boards; just trying to get my name out there.

From: NICKOLAUS PACIONE

To: Adam Senft
Subject: RE RE RE Lake Fossil

Seven Points of Insanity is my board. It is dark conservative in vein. Authors to avoid mentioning on my board are Clegg, Keene, Garton, Frank, Knight, Brite, Mamts (note—I guess he meant Mamatas) and Rice. I will delete their books. Dan and his cunt try to come on using different names. Keene — bastard fucked over one of my signings. brian Knight put a dick on my middle finger picture. Rice and Brite I never cared much for their work, neither for Clegg’s either. Garton told me to kill myself. They are one who will not let me enjoy being a published author they say I am self published and they are down on that but what has Brian Keene done? He is like Tony Soprano but skinny.

From: Adam Senft

To: NICKOLAUS PACIONE
Subject: Good Morning

Hi Nick,

I’ve enjoyed talking with you, but I’m afraid all good things must end. Did you know that Brian Keene re-launched Hail Saten yesterday morning, and revealed that he’d been recently using a pseudonym? Perhaps you should go read it. I believe the final sentence of his first blog entry, “The Possum”, contains something that might interest you. He reveals that he is indeed Adam Senft.

Hugs and kisses,

Adam Senft, aka Brian Keene

From: NICKOLAUS PACIONE

To: Adam Senft

Subject: RE Lake Fossil

You fuck. I will Keene. Assclown. I will rip you. You had better not sign here in my town or I will. Steel toed boot. The store in town will no about you and I will be the one who tells them and you will not come here again like last time and if you do. and you had better bring that Big Joe with you. I have one to. Tell me something and that is why don’t you quit writing. You are one who will not let me enjoy being published. I am going to be one who brings you. Fuck you peace of shit. I know who you are!!