Note: Before any of you take me to task for poking the crazy person, it should be noted that said crazy person has recently begun threatening my fiancee again. So, fuck that noise. It’s prudent to remind people of what they are actually dealing with, should they happen to be contacted by him.
If you’re new to the Internet, Nickolaus Pacione is a deranged man from Illinois who lives in his grandparent’s basement, where he shouts at the world from a computer. He fancies himself a professional writer (he’s not), a publisher (also not), and concert promoter (thrice not). He doesn’t like gay people, some racial and ethnic minorities, grammar, soap, or common sense. He believes that there is a vast Illuminati-like conspiracy to keep him from being published. In years past, he has stalked and/or harassed a large number of both professional and amateur authors and editors, including myself, Ray Garton, Poppy Z. Brite, Darren McKeeman, David Niall Wilson, Mary SanGiovanni, dgk goldberg, RJ Sevin, Shane Ryan Staley, Angelina Hawkes-Craig, Brian Knight, Susan Taylor, and dozens more. His threats, while never progressing beyond his grandparent’s basement, have included everything from lighting his perceived rivals on fire to kidnapping their children. He has been locked up and medicated a few times since then, but — like herpes — he always comes back.
And if this listing on Craigslist is any indication, he’s looking for love. Since it is often difficult for the novice to understand Nicky-speak, I thought I’d translate portions of the listing as a way of providing a valuable community service.
It’s actually been two years since I actually did a personal ad on Craigslist.org.
Nick likes to say “actually” a lot. Actually is actually his favorite word. You can make a fun drinking game out of this. Do a shot every time Nicky says “actually”.
I am also published if some of you actually ask that question.
DRINK!
I am looking for that one woman who has the patience of a saint because I am…
Unemployed; spend my disability check on fixing my computer each month after I infect it with viruses from visiting unicorn-porn websites; live with my grandparents; subsist on a diet of Coke and Cheese-Doodles; shout racial, ethnic, and sexual slurs at my computer; don’t own a car so I need you to drive me everywhere; think hygiene and bathing are all part of the conspiracy to keep me from being published; etc.
I end up getting women who are geographically undesirable
Translation: I don’t own a car, my relatives refuse to drive me anywhere, and the bus doesn’t travel to these potential suitor’s neighborhoods.
I refuse to date a girl from Coal City or Morris, because they hardly leave the area in terms of going out on a Saturday or Friday night.
Who can blame them? If you went on a blind date with Nick Pacione, would *you* want to be seen in public with him?
I have a unique charm to me that some can’t stand.
Extreme B.O. and rampant homophobia are “unique charm” in the same way that Justin Bieber is good music.
but others actually find this kind of funny
DRINK!
looking for that one lady who’d be willing to date me when I come into the city.
Translation: I need a place to crash. Can I sleep with you? If not, can I at least sleep on your couch?
person who is actually a starving artist type
DRINK!
I would run up and down the stairs of the subway for exercise when I am in Chicago.
In the paragraph before this, he said he goes to Chicago every three months. Translation: I exercise once every three months.
I am a Renaissance man.
Renaissance Man: a person whose expertise spans a significant number of different subject areas. Da Vinci was a Renaissance man. His contributions to society included numerous scientific observations, inventions, and art. Nick Pacione’s contributions to society include trying to lure an underage girl into a cemetery for a “modeling session” and writing the following opening sentence: “From this that eludes me which I pen this – as what I say what eludes me is sleep, and from the sleep becomes the etchings where the dreams begin.” (Excerpted from Collectives In A Forsaken Landscape).
Some college buddies actually coined
DRINK!
I like eating at dives and diners for the most part
Best First Date Ever!
I have the Italian looks, but got the Swedish height.
And the brain of a diseased, meth-addicted howler monkey jacking off into a razor-laced grapefruit.
I am actually a Chicago
DRINK! (Shit, I’m out of whiskey…)
The thing that the ladies are drawn the most about me is I am a photographer.
Translation: I take pictures of pigeons. And also of myself squatting on various pieces of public real estate.
I honestly really don’t mind dating a BBW just as long they’re height and weight balance out
As someone who has dated several BBWs, I’m not sure what this sentence means. Is he looking for a blueberry?
I want a woman I like to actually be able to carry
DRINK! I don’t care that you can’t stand up! You wanted to play a fun drinking game. Now drink!
I am a male hetero pig.
I am a male hetero pig. There. Fixed that for you, Nicky.
I don’t mind if the woman actually dresses normal
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
I really don’t look like the bookish type, I hardly drink alcohol.
Study that sentence. Repeat it aloud. Ponder its eloquence. Marvel over its structure. That shit should be hanging in a museum somewhere. Maybe he *is* a Renaissance Man!
I am actually a Christian believe it or not.
Drink! The power of Christ compels you to drink!
I am known in the Chicago area because of my website
I am known in the Chicago area because of my website as that creepy fucker who stalks and threatens people.
actually outlasted many of it’s hosts.
If you aren’t drunk by now, you’re playing the game wrong.
When at parties, my book collection is actually a conversation piece because the authors in the small press, some of them I actually worked with.
A DOUBLE SHOT OF ACTUALLY! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
Sometimes it grows on a person
Write your own joke here___________________.
others might find this kind of sense of humor openly offensive.
In Nicky’s world, saying things such as: “I want to kill all fags”, “your mixed-race son is a fucking mongrel”, and “I will kick you in the cunt with a steel-toed boot” are just jokes.
I love being a writer, but I wish I did make a little more money doing it.
I wish that, before I die, mankind might set foot on Mars, but we make do with what we’re given, Nicky.
I might take the lovely lady with me to different events as moral support.
Translation: Carry my boxes of self-published books, pay for my way into the convention, pay for my food, pay for my taxi, and keep me from getting my ass kicked when I spew my special little brand of invective at the wrong person.
So, yeah. There ya go, ladies. What’s that? You’re still not convinced? Well, then…
Have a look at this.
Just drips with romance, doesn’t it?
Thanks a lot Brian. I just had surgery for a deviated septum yesterday and this made me laugh so hard I think I just deviated it again!
That is some funny shit!
I asked him how much money he made by being published and his answer was TEN DOLLARS. That’s right, he has made a total of $10 from his grand career as a writer/publisher. LOL
Thanks, Brian, not only is my liver is destroyed but so are my ribs from laughing too hard! LOL!
Someone on Craigslist is already warning the ladies about the “eligible bachelor.”
http://chicago.craigslist.org/sox/rnr/2674318549.html
A monkey with a typewriter could produce better shit than this douche-nozzle (with or without an editor). <– "Look Nicky! Correct punctuation and grammar! Maybe *I* am a monkey, too. Or educated. Take your pick."
However Brian, you are hilarious. And creepy. But hilarious.
Drink one sentence, puke it back up the next. Eew.
Why isn’t this guy locked up??
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is hilarious
I live near this guy….::::shudder::::: What a creep! It should be illegal for this man to have internet connection or own a computer.
Okay—this is the funniest post of 2011…
Crying laughing. But stopped when I watched the bizarre Cape Fear video.
Sweet jesus, this is great. His ad reads like a fine piece of art
We ought to hire a hooker who has an std and send her right over to him:P. Seriously this guy is nuts!
Val, that $10 was probably from when I bought a few copies off of Lulu a couple years back as a prank Secret Santa gift.
If any ladies are STILL thinking about dating Nicky after being warned about him they’re more than welcome to contact me for more of this scary and abusive excuse for a human being.
And I’d be drunk now if I’d been drinking wine instead of mountain dew. LOL
a woman he could “actually be able to carry”?
So, a blow-up doll.
– C.
Thanks Brian, that was agood laugh and needed as i sit here looking at the 6+ inches of snow building outside.
Also this is one of the greatest lines ever written:
“And the brain of a diseased, meth-addicted howler monkey jacking off into a razor-laced grapefruit.”
OMG *Actually* the funniest thing I’ve read this year … During the Renaissance there were drooling unwashed masses too..so…in a sense…
OMG…this “actually” made my day! Thanks Brian!
The video is a classic.
Nickolaus Pacione aka Elmer Fudd. “Back the fuck off muy friends you wascally mufa fucking Wascally Assed Wabbit”.
Though not quite as good as Marvell’s “The grave is a fine and private place/ but none I think there do embrace”– I have to now say that the following: “And the brain of a diseased, meth-addicted howler monkey jacking off into a razor-laced grapefruit” has eclpised Thomas Stearns “April is the cruelest month” to take the second spot in my all time bestest line line-up!
Damn you, Keene an your fancy new…*urp*…drinkin games! *urp* Now I’m…..*URP*….outta beers an the room’s all spinny an there’s this ten foot bunny at the door an….
*HEAD DESK*
This guy is unreal. But man after a long rough week your write up had me laughing out loud. Dude is like a bad penny, just keeps turning up.
Bahahahahah wow really? this is ridiculously funny.
Good God, what is this world coming to!
I think I cracked a rib laughing!
So… How many of us are tempted to set up a fakemail account and contact him to see what happens? I’d love to find out if he’s still into sensory deprivation sleeping bags.
Here’s a new drinking game: take a shot every time this freak says something crazy. You’d be blitzed after the first 2 sentences!! WOW! Funny as shit, Brian!
Oh, he’s just dreadful, isn’t he? Just dreadful.
He seems like quite a jewel. What a freaking douche.
Fantastic. He has all the makings of a non-successful serial killer. Yikes.
OMG, that was hilarious Brian! And people wonder why I don’t want to date again…
Win for Mr. Keene!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.
this is why the internet is both good and bad.
Without it, we would not know this guy existed, and it would be harder for him to harass people. But then we would not get the five minutes of LOLs above
we have a guy very similar to this at work, all the ladies here call him “Mr Googles”
He did have a girlfriend once, but she left him because of his “overly close” relationship with his dog.
I’m actually kind of sad that he’s crazy again. I got an email from him a few months ago that was relatively sane and told me that I had to remove the “gay erotica” tags from his Amazon books but he wasn’t threatening me or anything.
I think he was less inclined to making threats since I said that he wasn’t as bad as that Boyer asshole and that even shitty editors like Pacione didn’t deserve to deal with plagiarizing fuckwads who completely mess up an anthology by sending in other people’s stories.
I suppose in his head it means that I have come around as opposed to what it really means is that Boyers is so reprehensible that he’s even more deserving of a pounding with a nail-studded board than Pac Man.
I should say “crazy threatening and stalking again” since there’s really never any question that he’s crazy.
Wow, complete Tard. LOL
I actuslly laughed hard
. ‘The power of Christ compells you to drink!” Lol 
*Clapping*
Hilarious.
He’s gone total Donald Duck head explodey losing his shit.
No more drinking games, please! I’m supposed to be doing NaNo!
Disturbing… Dude needs to be in a padded room somewhere drugged so heavily he is pissing rainbows and puking butterflies…
Well, it looks like Nicky has posted a response:
http://nickolauspacione.blogspot.com/2011/10/brian-keene-has-genital-warts.html
Uh oh, looks like there are a couple of interesting responses to his ad in the rants and raves section of that craigslist
“Keene is fucking with my publishing caeeer” Looks like you’re fucking with his spell checker, too.
Man, Brian, you really, actually, piss this dude off. Actually.
Actually, now I have cirrhosis of the liver. Actually.
Another vote for “And the brain of a diseased, meth-addicted howler monkey jacking off into a razor-laced grapefruit.” being one of the greatest lines ever written.
Grepefruit line has my vote as well. That was the funniest shit Ive read all year.
Wow.
You know, if the writing thing’s not working for this guy, he could make a mint just calling into the Howard Stern show. You couldn’t make this stuff up! Comedy gold!
Also, now I know what I’m going to be for next Halloween.
His response (at Craig’s List) stopped being funny and started being sad, sickening and scary.
Seriously, man–when are you gonna write a novel as funny as these fucking posts?
Good lord–I actually watched the video. You actually gotta love how he couldn’t actually be bothered to look into the camera ONCE because he was actually so in love with actually seeing his face on the computer screen.
Sigh–I’m probably getting another phone call soon…
I’m just going to throw this out there because I think we’re all thinking it: is it possible that this guy is just a really brilliant satire artist and we’re all being trolled?
No.
Yeah, you’re right. This guy is a dangerous lunatic.
From Nicky’s response – “Maybe that would be the heart attack that would kill him; God laughs when he dies.”
Um, thanks Nick for promoting MY work. Or at least Boatman’s book that I publish. That’s really – uh – sad. Actually. The word I’m going for is sad.
HAHAHAHA!!!! My co-workers thought I was nuts when I started laughing hysterically while reading this. And if I had booze with me I’d be stumbling drunk. Wait.. I work in radio, there has to be booze here somewhere. Must go find it and re-read…..
That vid is crazy, but very sad.
This guy is A conglomeration of everything that is frightening about society. I ‘actually’ cringed when he said he was Italian. Lord, (myself being Italian) how I wish he didn’t say that.
Sephera: “And people wonder why I don’t want to date again…”
Yeah, I’ve decided to not do that anymore, either.
Being involved with the likes of Nickolaus Pacione is one of the most embarrassing things I have ever endured. He is truly a piece of malignant shit. It’s sad how awful a human-being he is and I feel bad for ever having been associated with him. Shame on me for ever giving such a creature a chance.
Hello there,
Some (relatively short) time ago I stumbled upon your site after reading your interview on Chuck Wendig’s blog.
Today I stumbled on it while searching for stories of mine I posted somewhere across the nets back in mid 2000′s. Saw a mention of N. Pacione somewhere with whom I had some – albeit minimal – interaction, Googled him, and here I am again.
Guess it means I’ll have to buy one of your books now.