The late, great Janis Joplin once sang “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.” I would add that so is apathy.
Let’s talk, you and I. It’s been a long time since we’ve really done that. Oh, sure. We talk on Twitter every day, and we talk here in the comments section. And we used to chat at The Keenedom and on Facebook until the sound of white noise in those places began to overwhelm me, throbbing in my pineal gland night and day, threatening to drive me mad, and I ended up stabbing both of them with a knife so that they wouldn’t bother me anymore.
But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes. Talking to you. I’m smoking a cigar and sipping Four Roses bourbon. I’m not supposed to be doing either of those things anymore (and please don’t tell Mary, F. Paul Wilson, or Joe Lansdale that I was, because I promised them I wouldn’t, and they’ll kick my ass). In truth, I’ve only had one cigar since the heart attack (upon finishing Clickers vs. Zombies) and only a few glasses of bourbon on my birthday, and once while Kelli Owen was visiting. But I’m having them tonight, even though I’m not supposed to, because they are what I used to have when we talked.
Do you remember? We used to talk all the time, you and me. For many years, I had a Blog called Hail Saten. It started as the title for my editorial column in Jobs In Hell (a weekly email newsletter for writers that I used to publish when the Internet was still in its infancy and email newsletters were still rare and neat and wonderful and welcomed, and people actually paid money to receive them). A disgruntled reader (because even back in 1997, I already had those) wrote me a very angry email one day, and called me ‘Saten’, complete with the typo, and I thought that was delightful and began using it. The title followed me from Jobs In Hell to my original Blog, which is long defunct, but for many years, was a place where I talked to people. Quite often, it got very personal. Eventually, I shut the Blog down. It’s one thing to have personal conversations and observations with an audience of 500 or 5,000. It’s quite a different animal when that audience is 50,000 or 500,000.
Just like the bourbon and cigars, I’m not supposed to bring back Hail Saten — because these three things will lead to another heart attack, or so I’m told. But lately, I’ve had the urge to bring the Blog back anyway.
Actually, that’s not correct. I first had the urge several years ago, back when my ex-wife and I were beginning to figure out that being married to a writer is one of the worst things in the world to be, and wondering what we were going to do about that, because at age 41, and over a decade making a living writing, it was gonna be awfully hard for me to find any other kind of work. I resisted the urge to bring Hail Saten back at that time, knowing if I did, the marriage would be doomed for certain. Instead, I wrote a book called The Girl on the Glider, which came out in hardcover, and will come out in paperback next year, and which many people seem to think is the best thing I’ve ever written, and which, in reality, was simply me doing what I’m doing right now. Just with ghosts.
The second time I had the urge to bring the Blog back was in the dark months before the Dorchester War went public. Here’s something important that I want you to remember, because I will come back to it a bit further down — Craig Spector, Bryan Smith, JF Gonzalez and myself decided to go public on March 24th of 2011, but I had not been paid by Dorchester since December of 2009. As I said last March: “I had not been paid since late-2009. My marriage had fallen apart, my bills were piling up, and more than half of my annual income was perpetually coming soon.” It should be noted that Dorchester wasn’t the only publisher who suddenly seemed to have lost their checkbook — but they were the one who owed me the most. And so, to make ends meet, I started the newsletter and the Lifetime Subscription plan, and signed with a few new publishers to get some money to stem the crushing tide of debt. Now that you know that, I’m sure you understand why the urge to bring back Hail Saten and unleash some righteous fury on their ass was strong. Instead, I stayed professional, joined with other professionals, and eventually, we won.
The third time the urge to re-launch Hail Saten struck me was around this time last year. I don’t talk much about my divorce because, quite simply, it’s none of your fucking business. All you really need to know is that my ex-wife and I remain absolute best friends. We speak every day, help each other out, occasionally cook for one another, are there for each other if one of us needs a shoulder or a sounding board, and most importantly, we remain an awesome team when it comes to raising our son. My ex-wife is an incredible mother and a wonderful human being, and I am very glad to have her as a friend, and extremely grateful that she is in my son’s life. And, post-divorce, we are both very happy in life, and thus, our son and everyone else around us is happy, too. Except… that wasn’t good enough for some people. There was a loose-knit group — I won’t name them here because, quite frankly, they aren’t worth it — who spent much of last year making me and Mary’s lives miserable. They each had their own individual axes to grind with me, and when the divorce happened, they saw their opportunity. “Finally, a weak chink in the armor! Attack!” And attack they did. Mary and I said nothing about it in public because, again, it’s nobody’s fucking business. Mostly, they attacked Mary, saying how terrible she was for having the audacity to fall in love with a recently divorced man with whom she’d been friends with for the last twelve years. And they didn’t care about how their bullshit impacted her or my ex or my kids or my friends or anybody else in my life. All they cared about was getting to me. And they almost did. Almost… Yeah, the urge bring back Hail Saten at that moment was borderline uncontrollable. But I prevailed. I prevailed, and after that, the urge went away…
…until yesterday.
Yesterday, an old friend and trusted mentor told me that he was worried that — in the eyes of the public — I was starting to appear apathetic. Now, he knew I wasn’t apathetic. He knew it had been a long, strange summer, and that I was finally just finding my feet again. But he thought the public might not see that. I always listen to this friend’s advice. He has always been right, and he’s forgotten more about this business than I will ever learn. So yeah, let’s talk about apathy. Let’s talk about it in a way we haven’t talked for quite some time, you and I. Let’s Hail Saten the shit out of it, so that everybody is on the same page.
As I said, it has been a long, strange summer. Many things happened between April and September. Dorchester finally began paying some people, and reverting rights for others. I signed with Deadite, and was able to start earning a living again for the first time in two years. Things were good. Well, okay, yeah — there was the hurricane and the tropical storm and the fact that I was living inside a disaster area for a while. But these are minor trivialities, right? For the first time in a very long time, I had some breathing room. I had some freedom. I had nothing left to lose.
Then I had the heart attack.
Remember those books I mentioned before? The ones I contracted for before signing with Deadite? They were: Hollow Inside, The Damned Highway, Clickers vs. Zombies, Binky (a.k.a. Lake Fossil), With Teeth, and Hole In The World. These were books that were contracted in 2010. All were due earlier this year (except for With Teeth, which is due in December). In days gone by, I could have knocked them out, no problem. But these are not days gone by, for this is not the Summer of my years anymore. I turned forty-four two weeks after my heart attack. On my father’s side of the family (whom I take after genetically) sixty-five to seventy is a good age to die. Factor in my lifestyle these last thirty years or so, and I figure I’ve got twenty-five years left, tops. Think mid-life crises are a bitch? Think standing around mulling over the eventual possibility of dying sucks? My friend, you don’t know shit. Because when death suddenly comes knocking unexpectedly, you take stock of things. You do the math, and you realize that you have entered the Autumn of your life without even knowing it, and then you realize just how little amount of finite time you have left.
And you slow the fuck down.
It’s not like I want to slow down. Believe me, I don’t. I’ve got more story ideas now than I’ve ever had, and for the first time in my life, it’s starting to dawn on me that I will most certainly not live long enough to write them all down for you. But I intend to try.
Autumn is a slow season.
But take the heart attack out of the equation for a moment. Let’s look at cold, hard numbers instead. In previous years, I had the luxury of writing for 10 to 12 hours a day, five days a week. Here is the schedule I’ve had for the last year. Monday through Thursday, I have my youngest son from approximately 8am until approximately 6:30pm. Now, I can play on Twitter during those hours, in-between Play-Doh and making him lunch and potty training and Matchbox cars. But it’s impossible to write during that time, nor would I. It would be unfair to him. My time with him is my time with him, and I refuse to spend that time lost in my own head, working on a novel. So… when he goes home, I eat a quick dinner from 6:30pm until 7:00pm. Then I go to work. Except that “work” isn’t just writing the next book. It involves answering email (of which I average 120 to 200 PER DAY), looking over contracts, mailing things, etc. — and before this past summer also involved dealing with things like Dorchester. I work from 7:00pm until 11:00pm, but I only write for maybe 3 of those 4 hours. I call Mary at 11, and go to bed by 11:30. Then I get up at 6:30am the next morning and do it all over again.
So, that gives me 12 hours of writing time per week, depending on email volume, etc. Do that math. I went from 50 hours a week to 12 hours a week. Friday — my one day off — is sometimes spent writing, but is also spent cleaning the house, buying groceries, and doing all the other things we have to do in life. Saturday and Sunday are set aside for Mary, and my parents, and my oldest son, and Mary’s son, and my friends. Especially since the heart attack.
One other thing I’ve been doing a lot of since April is mentoring. The authors who were always there for my generation — mentors like Joe Lansdale, Jack Ketchum, F. Paul Wilson, John Skipp, Ed Gorman, Ray Garton, David Schow, Tom Monteleone, Chet Williamson, etc. — are the genre’s elder statesmen now (and I say that with nothing but respect and honor). And writers like myself, J.F. Gonzalez, Tim Lebbon, Chris Golden, Jim Moore, Tom Piccirilli, Weston Ochse, etc? We’re the veterans now. This was explained to me several times this summer by several of my mentors, and I wasn’t the only one of my generation who was given this speech. Somewhere between our fifth and sixth beers, we became veterans, and it’s time for us to start paying forward for this next generation the way those guys did for us. And we have been. Believe me, we have. And that, too, takes time out of an already busy schedule, but it so very worth it.
So yeah, I can see how it looks like I’m apathetic lately. I can see why folks might think I no longer care. I’m late on my deadlines and the newsletter is being folded into a book and I closed down the Keenedom and I don’t talk to people on Facebook anymore and the Lifetimer packages have been a few months apart, but do the math. Do the math…
The fact is, I’m still here. No, maybe we don’t talk as much as we used to, you and I. Maybe I’ve seemed more distant. And I’m sorry for that. But rest assured, I am still here. I’m just busy trying to be a father and a fiancee and a friend and a son and a brother and a mentor. But I am still here, and just because we don’t talk as much, that doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
And you’re still listening, as well. Thank you for that. Thank you for your patience and support these last few years. It means a lot. I’m making the best of those 12 hours a week. I’m getting caught up. Deluge is finished. Clickers vs. Zombies is finished. Hollow Inside turned into The Lost Level. The others are coming along, and in various stages of completion. And I think they will be worth the wait.
It ain’t Winter yet, and Autumn is a nice time of year.
Hail Saten…
Every time I visit this website, I leave it feeling inspired. Many thanks.
Brian,
We will do battle wherever you lead us. Take it easy…live your life…love your fiance, family and friends. We got your back!
P. Legerski
WEST COAST GENERAL – THE F.U.K.U.
“Fuck ‘em all…fucking no regrets” – METALLICA
and Saten is back!!!!! Missed you brother
the two times we’ve met in person, you have been a TOTAL inspiration. You care about your readers, your fans, and fellow authors. I wanna punch all those idiots I see giving you grief every time I see it. You inspire that type of loyalty because you are WHO you are. Hang in there, buddy. There’s still ALOT of us rooting for you.
Thomas
Thanks for sharing this with us Brian. Would I love to have 3-5 books a year from you? Damn straight – I’ll read as much as you can put out. But would I ever fault a man for prioritizing his life in the right way? For understanding that his time with his friends and family are hours and days that will slip away silently if he isn’t careful? Hell no.
Each of us is allotted a measure of days on this earth. Some use them wisely and some don’t. I respect you for striving to put yourself in the first category.
Do what ya gotta do to stay healthy man, that’s the important thing. We’ll still be here, somewhere, nearby to support your work. Sorry that people have been Jerks to Mary, that isn’t right at all. Wishing you, Mary, and your family well.
Oh, and thanks for sharing.
G
as always, your honesty is refreshing. keep kicking ass, Brian.
You keep writing, we’ll keep reading.
Hell, you *quit* writing and we’ll still keep reading – I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve re-read your zombie books if my life depended on it
(not to mention the shorter stories..)
That you are so accessible to your fans and fellow writers (*cough Lovecraft*cough*cough) is just amazing to me.
You still have your head on your shoulders and your feet on the ground and that’s pretty f***ing amazing.
As many have said, you’re an inspiration, and that’s not something to be said lightly from our generation (i’m only a few years behind you).
Anyway, enough blubbering. We love you man. Thanks for getting me into Clickers
Sharing so much of yourself like this is one of the best ways to mentor, Brian. Anyone can do an article on how to write. But too few write about how to live as a writer, and how to make the all-too-often hard choices. And I can’t think of anyone who does it better.
Wait. There was a GIRL ON THE GLIDER hardcover? Cool beans… I really liked that one.
Don’t forget, the Tavern is always open, and I’ll race you to 75!
Keep fighting the good fight, Brian. Your real fans aren’t going anywhere.
Thank you, Brian.
I feel you Brian.. We are the same age and have suffered a similar life-threatening health issue.
I’ve been a fanboy and trying to become a peer.
Do what you have to do for you and the ones you love brother.
I will be here.
Even though I dont know you personally Ive allways felt that your my mentor. You and the pic man and J.F ect. Being from southern California, it can somtimes be hard to find mentors who are genuine and real without charging an arm and a leg for info or encouragment. But your real man and I consider myself lucky becuse I buy all your books and read the shit out of them and read your blog postings and talk to you on twitter. If that aint increadible I dont know what is. I am also gratful that I have the privlige to ask you anything I want about this hellcraft we call writing becuse when it comes down to it I feel your plight and you certanly know where Im coming from. I also feel that you dont have to apologize for anything you do man, because ..YOURE BRIAN KEENE! anyways, thanks for the help and I can only hope and work hard to aspire to you.
A pupil and friend till the end,
Chuck Rios
Again, no worries. Keep doing what you can as you see fit and stay in touch.
Hail Saten!
fine words as always mister Keene. Hail SATEN m/m/
and cutting back on the cigars and whiskey can be good thing.
Instead of 5 bottle of Jack a month, you can now have one bottle of Johnny Walker Blue. and one Fidel Special every now and then aint so bad
anyway, you (and Mary)keep writing them, and i’ll keep reading them, no mater what else happens.
and as St Nick Cave once said “keep kicking against the pricks”
The most important thing is to look after you and yours.Fuck the hater’s.Your real fans will always be here. Take care Brian…
How dare you! I demand you pay more attention to us! And make your personal affairs our business. Right now!
Haha but seriously, I believe most of us will always be here, man. Even if, *ahem*, some of us dont appear to be around as much.
Truth be told, over the past 18 months, I’ve really lost the will to write more times than I can count. I skipped cons for all of 2010, let friendships fade more than I should of, labored through 60+ pages of notes I’ve taken from various classes (as an aside, Michael Knost’s classes really helped. I can’t tell you how many ‘AHA!’ moments I had during the 6 or 7 difrerent classes), thought seriously of giving it up more than once, and have tried, so very hard, to refine myself as a writer. But every single time, over the last year-and-a-half, I’ve felt like that, I’ve gone to my bookshelf, brought out my worn copy of Workshop, and flipped to your chapter. It doesn’t always kick my ass all the way back into gear, but it ALWAYS helps.
So take heart. We appreciate you. And we will always be here.
As usual Brian your word strike right to the heart with so many. Live your life as you choose, that is your right after giving so much of yourself. You are an inspiration to an entire generation.
Live long and well my friend
Well said, my friend!!
NIce to have stuff like this this back Brian. However often it is, it is. You’re a leader and that’s hard to put down. Take it as it comes and give it back the same. Your thoughts and feeling and writing is ALWAYS worth the wait my friend.
Thank you for sharing your life with us Brian. Alcohol and tobacco are two of the things that make life liveable! So, glad you partook. This Alabammy Grammy (24 years your senior) regards death as life’s greatest experience! Whatever lies ahead, if anything, should be interesting to say the least! There is very little in life that scares me (except of course your stories – shivverrr). Your fans are here and nobody’s pushing you – we’re all hoping you take it easy and for goodness sake – enjoy life!
Very well written, good sir! You’re still a peach, even when you are tearing folks a new asshole!
I think this song is quite fitting:
They wanna be like me
Recreate my flow, imitate my flow, then relate my flow
but while they try and take my flow I make my dough
Ay, Yo, I can make it rain ’cause I been making it snow
I’m still here for real, I’m still here
It wasn’t looking pretty, but Swizzy I’m still here
They said I coulda been brain-dead in a wheelchair
but I’m standin’ in the booth and the skills are still here
Yeah, the hustla home, the hustla home
Let’s celebrate a toast with a cup of patron
Thanks for sharing this man. We can all learn from it. And of course we support you — no one has a claim to you or to your creativity. Is and always has been your prerogative to produce what you want at the pace that works for you. You write it and I’ll buy it.
All I know is when I am working on music that is only the time i feel the world makes any kind of sense and that my place and purpose in it is briefly secured. A feeling all of us creative types share and when I come to your site Brian I am reminded of it. Thanks for all the great stories and continued inspiration.
While I’m a young author, I’m not really a young man – less than a handful of years behind you – and I feel what you’re talking about, almost every day. I came to the realization very early that my kids ultimately don’t care if their dad has a slew of advertising awards or a stack of books published, shoulder-high, they’d rather have the memories of me being part of their life. They get far more excited when I take the afternoon off and pick them up at school than they do when they’ve heard I sold a book. The publishing is for me, ultimately, and doesn’t really come into their considerations. In some ways it’s selfish, being a writer, inward looking and full of self-love.
I’ve gone from working 60 and 70 hours a week at a day job to trimming it back to the standard 40. I’m probably in the minority of writers in that unless I find some sort of monumental financial success writing (not holding my breath) I want to keep my dayjob. I enjoy it, I’m good at it. I’m happy getting a salary and healthcare for being creative on demand. There’s a freedom to a day job that a lot of aspiring writers should consider.
Luckily, my kids are at an age where I can start integrating them into my writing life, taking them along with me to conventions and other writerly functions – which might not be the case for you now with the young ‘un, but it will be soon. I think Joe Lansdale and his relationship with his wife and daughter is a good example of a balanced writing life and hope to emulate him. Actually, I’m aping him directly – I’m packing the whole fam-damily and truckin’ them to San Diego to the World Fantasy Convention next week. It might be genius and a totally relaxing vacation for them and a successful authorial event for me, or a complete disaster, full of stress and the demands of children. We’ll see. Most likely I won’t be drinking whiskey until 3am, though. The ankle biters wouldn’t stand for it in the morning. I’ll just drink until midnight.
I’m reminded of this tune – http://tinyurl.com/3bjd7ag
Anywho, thank you for everything you’ve done for me, the advice, the example you’ve provided. Some realizations are hard won and most people wouldn’t share them. Fantastic post.
This is why we love you, man!!
Hail Saten!
You write -we read, you talk & explain – we listen & understand
Hail Saten!
Spending time with your family and friends is far more important than trying to keep up with people around here and facebook or what not.
Cannot wait to purchase the news releases and re releases, Brian thank you for it all. Ever since I found your books randomly at a BooksAmillion you have been an inspiration to me.If life beats you with a stick,you shoot it with a gun show the bitch who is boss haha.
Thank you again.
The Count Javi
This post is why you are the best of the “veteran” horror writers. Tim said it best above. Your honesty is not entertaining- it’s illuminating, inspiring, and compelling. We are all rooting for you, man, because you are “us”. Writing is communication and connection, and you fucking win.
I’ve always said “Brian Keene is the Richard Pryor of horror”! ; )
Amen,
Ron
Thank you for sharing this. I am looking damn forward to reading The Girl on the Glider.
I joined the Keenedom too late to have ever enjoyed “Saten”. Fucking awesome. One of the many reasons I can’t get enough of your writing. Thank You Brian! You are the most honest, heartfelt authors out there. I, for one, did not think ‘you didn’t care anymore’. In fact, it seems like you care more than ever. THANKS!
You do what you got to do, Brian. We aren’t going anywhere.
This is why we love you, your honesty. Only someone who cares would be this honest. You write it, I’ll read it.
As long as you are writing them I am reading them. Be it 1 book or 5 books a year I’ll be a happy man. I just feel lucky that the rising was suggested to me years ago. your words have brought joy to my life. Thank you Brian. Fuck you to the haters that want to use their works to fuck with you and your love ones.
Tim Waggoner has already expressed, concisely and eloquently, everything I wanted to say.
Other than that, I just want to mention, when you are wearing your Hail Saten hat, you are all kinds of fucking awesome.
Brian,
Late to the party, again.
Apathy? Hmmm, maybe but more likely it’s been what I like to refer to as life inteference. I’ve been a fan of yours for quite some time and have always believed it’s your life and not much of any of your “fan’s” business.
Responsibilty and obligation often delay the things we want, yet it looks to me like many of the pieces are right where they need to be. You’re happy.
Finally, Your too close view of mortality originates from the unfortunate genetics I was also blessed with.
Onward with your life.
Cheers
Jeff
Even if we don’t talk as often Brian, myself and everyone know you’re there, and we love ya for it. You are an inspiration to so many, and a great friend to many more. Slow down, take some time, and know that we will be there along with you the whole journey, regardless of how long that journey is. Thank you for all that you do.
Quality over quantity, man. Anyone who needs too much explanation on that point probably shouldn’t be trying to judge anyone anyhow, even if they DID have all the facts. I figured out a couple of years ago that I wasn’t going to play music, be in the Army, run a business with my wife, be a good husband, be a good father and still write books. I laid down my music. It hurt like a bitch. I still miss it. We’re finally in a financial position to where I can lay down most of the side business, except for what I do to earn convention money. And I’m beginning to pick up a list of projects comparable to the pros I admire, though cash and prestige are both forthcoming.
All it seems to me that you’re doing is trimming back parts of the Empire that have finished their course and served their purpose. People do it to trees all the time, to decrease their likelihood of falling, or to increase the amount of good fruit they bear. Apathy, my ass. As a growing author, I’ll take every example of efficiency and maturity I can find. Thanks for sharing.
In many ways, I’m about as far as you can get from being anything like a Brian Keene. I’m in my twenties studying behavioural ecology and hoping to teach sciences. I love the horror genre but other than being a fan and supporter, I make no claim that it (as represented by the people who produce it) owes me anything.
In other words, Brian Keene owes me nothing.
And yet, through his writing both fiction and otherwise, I see an example of the kind of professional I’d like to become in my field. One who places stock in continually improving his craft and improving those around him. I would be a fan of the storytelling even if I knew nothing of the man behind it. The fact that I do know a little gives me the chance to express some appreciation for THE WORK which believe me, is a pleasure for me to give.
Brian you gotta take care of you first. I’m one of those Lifetime Subscribers…and I will happily wait for my packages….even if it’s months between them. I understand that you have so much to get done….and still have to make time for family.
I work 40 hrs a week and it’s a retail job, so the hours always change….plus I have a shop online and I have custom orders….and I have to make time for my hubby (who works different hours from me)….sometimes things get pushed back….and deadlines are missed.
I’m a fan and think you are amazing….and will ALWAYS be a fan.
You just do what you have to do to stay healthy
That was beautiful, my friend. Well done.
Brian, this is why I love your work…..
Honesty + Heart + Pain + Balls = AWESOME WRITING!
I feel it in your stories, and I sure as shit feel it in this post. Its quite obvious that you are one of the most generous writers in the genre (if not industry) when it comes to sharing your time and wisdom with your fans and aspiring authors. I’d be lying if I said I didnt miss the Keenedom, or that the Newsletter wasnt Grade A Fucking awesomeness, but I totally see why they had to go. I think its amazing what with the schedule you currently work, that you still dedicate the amount of time you do to us fans. Be it a suggestion for an aspiring writer, or a freebie like Deluge for the die-hard FUKU soilder. Im grateful for it all. Anyone who would be self-centered enough to complain about the amount of stuff you put out can tounge-punch my fart-box. That being said I’ll try to end this on a classy note……………… Lace curtains.
FUKU-4-LIFE!
i understand what your saying i turned 40 thjis summer and have had a few physical problems (nothing major) that i have never had until now. and also the dreaded dr. visit at 40.any way i started looking at thing a little differnt, and thinking about people you knew in your life that have passed in their 40′s.
i hope for both of us that it a long beautiful autumn, full of color, sun and a few indian summers. and the calender might tell us when winter is here but hopfully theres no snow until the last hour of the last day of dec. hopfully this makes sense to you.
No one has ever been on their deathbed, whining to their weeping children and family, “Oh God… If only… If only I had WORKED more.”
Kudos for finding the path worth taking…
I find it admirable in any man, to be an involved father. Sons needs their fathers. And they grow up so fast, as you know. Good choice.
Sorry to hear of your heart attack.As for your choices in life and work,ALL Hail!
best wishes