My good friend Bill Wahl (proprietor of Comix Connection) and I are planning a trip to the next Burning Man festival, because we are middle-aged men and we’ve been told that this is what middle-aged men are supposed to do. Bill’s friend Phil Massie suggested:
“Let’s go there in a caravan of huge motor homes with all the comforts: well-stocked with Irish Whiskey, set-ups, stout, bale of high grade pot, 20 cartons of Marlboro’s, condom’s with the ends cut off, quart bottle of speed, quart bottle of downer’s, magic shrooms, micro dot’s, binoculars, telescope, dangerous but nifty fireworks, good fire extinguisher’s, powerful PA system on the roof I-Pod compatible, along with a big WWII spotlight, small recovery area with bunks in the rear of the motor home with official certificate alluding to my documented prowess/skills as a counsel for women in distress, two small dirtbikes, 1,200 gallons of water, 10,000 rolls of toilet paper [ for re-sale ], a good paperback library, video camera, old school large format camera & darkroom, Theatre quality projector, screen and film archive, recruiters from the F.B.I., C.I.A., N.S.A. NAACP, KKK, MADD, and NAMBLA, with folding chairs and table and bottles of water, Megan Fox, Sarah Silverman, Uma Thurman, Sarah Palin, Rosie O’donnell, all the vehicles from Mad Max, semi’s full of straw and branches, 1,000lbs. of duct tape, 12 full size giraffe, the Dali Lama, a 28 foot tall 1961 Corvette, large hot air balloon with ex-prez Bush face, cards & poker chips, cash, gold, credit cards, huge 4 storey tall ammonia ice making machine, 3 acres of astro-turf for our campsite, several medium size rockets capable of almost reaching Earth orbit, private landing strip with a restored SR-71 [ for thrilling low level passes day and night.] and other interesting aeronautica, full size Harley-Davidsons painted pink powered by lawn mower engines available to rent, a tattoo removal parlor and a Tattoo parlor [ these would pay for everything.] a clinic to install nifty experimental electronics into peoples bodies i.e. cell phones, etc. with special piercing’s to document that these items have in fact been installed, a small operating theater that for a large fee will remove said electronics, a 100 foot long battleship that’s main battery’s fire popcorn, men on stilts that walk on stilts, three legged races, horseshoes, a large choir singing “Kum Bay ya My Lord ” 24/7, 24/7 Bible/Koran bonfire, probably forgot something…oh..a large reefer truck full of White House subs.“
I’m in!
Brian,
I happen to know Phil Massie, and I wouldn’t want to be around when he gets to singing. Just a word to the wise…
— Jim
I am so ridiculously envious of this that my envy has gained form and is sitting beside me pointing and laughing.
The only thing I can think to add is one gross Bic lighters and a can opener.
Burning man? Really? Burning man?
If you need a stick-in-the-mud to get y’all down, get totally wasted, go missing, and force you and your (real) buddies to go on a completely insane journey to find him – later defining your Burning Man experience as like, the best ever – give me a call.
That is better than what they did on Malcom in the Middle.
I spent time in Reno a couple years ago and briefly hung out with some kids who regularly attend BM, and I think it’s going to be very interesting to follow Brian’s interaction with 48,000 hippies like the ones I met.
Brian.
I happen to know Jim Lewin, and just because he hoards Yoko Ono and Nancy Sinatra records it does not prove that he has an “ear” for my vocal product.
Phil
Brian,
As much as I tend to respect the opinions expressed by the Reverend Massie, I must say that I am truly flattered by his opinion of my “ear” (I only have one, as you know). Still, I will point out…
1. he tends to sound much more like Yoko than Nancy.
2. Nancy is a babe.
3. Phil is not.
— Jim
Sirs:
As Phill Massie’s (current) attorney, I would like to caution anyone from negatively critiquing Mr. Massie’s musical output, as it may dampen the pre-release sales of his upcoming double-album “Der Fuhrer, Ain’t?”, which would result in some spurious litigation from my end. Nobody wants such a useless waste of time, AMIRITE?
Yrs etc.
–W Wahl, Attorney for the Damaged
Brian,
I hear and obey: no more shots at Reverend Phil. However, for the record, I’d like to point out that the Honorable W. Wahl, Esquire sounds more than a little like Yoko (and if you tilt your head and squint, he takes on a disquieting resemblance, too). So Brian, if you’ve got the two of them wailing around the campfire, you got yourself a party.
— Jim
Hello everyone, please do not be alarmed by my attorney’s [ Mr. Whal ] statement. In the passing few weeks I have reluctantly come to realize Jim Lewin as a friend and pseudo-contemporary. Admittedly his unfortunate comment about my musical ability has been described as ill advised and rather tasteless but as one becomes to know Jim or “Jimbo”…as he likes to called by his friends..one realizes that his confrontational pose is just simple and harmless musical jealousy. To explain, Jim as a youth longed to become a cantor and after years of studying everything from ancient Judaic texts, Celtic dance, Gheorge Zamfir on the Pan Pipes, John Tesh/Yanni arrangements, and the group Abba..he felt ready. One day in the late 1970′s Jim began his first gig on a Friday in the early 1970′s at a small corner bar in Baltimore. He knew that Frank Zappa lived just around the corner and he was hoping that Mr. Zappa might be attending and catch his act. As the aforementioned began to croon into the mike Frank entered the bar and walked over to the dart board that was on the wall directly to the left of Jim. Several friends joined Frank and they all began tossing darts. Their aim was suspiciously very bad and several just missed Jim’s right ear. Jim was so devastated by their act of nonchalance that he has since sung only in the shower. As for Atty. and friend Mr. Wahl…Since joining the firm Dewy, Cheetem and Howe, Bill has taken on some pro bono and was just kinda fooling around. Sorry Jim. Phil
To whom it may concern; These “middle aged” guys quickly got cold feet and dropped the ball on the Atlantic City Trip…the distance is so short it’s just a few inches on the map! How can this group seriously plan a trip to “Burning Man”, a trip that is many many more inches? If they plan a “B/M” trip I will need some assurance. I will want $10,000 per head in an escrow account and a realistic performance contract that will include a clause;….”that the persons that do not attend “Burning Man” as planned lose the money in said escrow acct. which will then be distributed among the person/persons that did attend said event.” This may seem harsh but in an era of “middle aged guys living in Mothers basement eating carbs and playing video games”, actually leaving more than a “map inch” from their basement is to them an epic event on the scale of the Louis & Clark Expedition. Phil Massie’ [ Former Exchequer, Man About Town, Poet Pimp, Bard O'er Dover.]